Mental Health Awareness Month: The Solari Sisters Go To Therapy 

This is a doozie of a real talk. And before I start, I want you to know I did ask Francesca if I could share her personal business on my blog and she gave me permission. So here we go…

A couple years ago, Francesca started telling us she was feeling sad. We had picked up on the mood swings but it hit different to hear her say it. She said sometimes she felt like she just wanted to cry at night. 

Not totally sure how to respond, I gave her a big a hug and told her that although that was probably an uncomfortable way to feel, it was normal and it was okay to cry herself to sleep at night. I told her sometimes that’s what our body needs to reset and feel better. 

But as time went on and the sadness didn’t seem like a phase or hormone related (but maybe partly responsible🤷🏻‍♀️), I asked her if she wanted to talk to a therapist. She talked about there being counselors at school and friends who saw one. I loved that it was already an acceptable topic of conversation for her and her friends. I explained I had seen different therapists over the years and sometimes it was just nice to be able to share our feelings with someone who isn’t a parent, teacher, friend, etc. (But I of course encouraged her to keep telling us how she was feeling!) So we agreed she would start seeing a therapist, but life was lifing and I didn’t find her someone right away. 

When the sadness started, she was going through a lot between my mom’s cancer and then death, plus the clinical trial and all the things that come with having a rare disease (not to mention the damage galactosemia can have on the brain which we don’t even fully understand). PLUS dealing with my health stuff – and learning how to use my phone to call 9-1-1 if I didn’t come out of a confusion episode, or what to do if I had one in public, etc. The kid deals with a lot.

Back to therapy – part of the delay was I also knew that I wanted to get Amelia and Annabelle in therapy, so finding someone or someones for three was a little different than one. As I have shared over the years, Amelia has big feelings about many things and I knew she would benefit from learning some strategies and coping mechanisms to handle her big feelings  (and so would we!) 

As for Annie – while probably the least of my worries – we’re still struggling with some bathroom issues – that I cannot pin on constipation/galactosemia – as well as a stage 5 clinger obsession with me (and let’s be real, I’m just not that great) that we’re hoping to work through. 

So I had a New Year’s resolution to get all three kids in therapy. But the task felt extremely overwhelming and somehow kept getting pushed to the bottom of my growing to-do list. 

Back to Francesca – after she told me again one night she was feeling sad and like she wanted to cry and I reminded her that it was normal –  I decided to press a little more, because I didn’t want to be dismissive. I asked her if she was still happy some times, if she still enjoyed gymnastics, and playing Roblox and spending time with her friends and family and being silly and life in general and she said yes. (Which was a relief!) 

I explained to her that when people are sad more than they are happy, and stop enjoy doing things they once loved and no longer can get out of bed or go to work or schoool that might mean they need to go to the doctor and get some medicine for their brain, like we get for our bodies when we are sick. And I stressed that I needed her to tell me if she felt that way and she told me she would. You’ll notice I didn’t use the “S” word like she didn’t know it or something, but it was more likely that I was nervous to know what she knew or if she ever thought about it. Guess what parents of middle schoolers…your kids know about suicide. I mean, I did at that age, how naive of me to think she didn’t. 

Any doubts or uncertainties I had about what she did and didn’t know or how she felt were cleared up a few months ago during the neuropsych testing we did as part of her galactosemia management. During the questions about depression and anxiety, the doctor asked Francesca something like “Do you ever think it would be easier if you weren’t alive?” I don’t remember Francesca’s exact answer but it wasn’t no. I thought I was going to be sick. In the report it was documented as, “Francesca reported passive suicidal thoughts with no plan or intent.” 

Later, on her own, Francesca said to me, “Mom, I don’t ever wish I wasn’t here, I just sometimes wish I was invisible.” Ugh. Better than suicidal. Still not great. 

Life is hard. Our kids – even the mostly happy ones – are going through it and having these thoughts. I’m not saying they are going to act on it but it was a wake up call. Talk to your kids. Let them know how they are feeling is okay. Even if you don’t feel okay. Even if you’re completely overwhelmed and the logistics of getting three kids in therapy might result with you in your own padded room. 

Our kids need to know they are not alone. They are already feeling all the things. Sad. Angry. Anxious. And sometimes I think the worst part for them is they don’t know why. And they don’t want to feel this way but at the same time they don’t know how to stop.

But they need to know there are professionals who can help them walk through the emotions they can’t control and don’t fully understand.

And I’m not putting this all on medical providers and therapists. But I’m learning the important role they play.

And I feel the same way about teachers and school staff.

Parents aren’t equipped to do it alone. Not in this world. 

But when we all come together – with parents playing the primary role – and many others playing incredibly important support roles, that’s when we’re really going to figure it out.

Not perfectly. Not without screw ups. Not without “I’m sorrys.” Not without regrets. 

But our kids will be so much better off than if we try to do it alone. 

Because here’s my other fear, Francesca is great at talking to me now, but I don’t know if it will always be that way. So if there comes a day when she doesn’t want to share how she’s feeling with me, I need a safe adult she will confide in. Whether that’s a therapist, a teacher, her aunt or a friend’s parent. I want her to have options. I need her to be safe.

This year she’s had an amazing teacher who has emailed me a couple times when Francesca seemed sad and we’ve been able to discuss things going on (most recently the death of her grandmother). It means so much that she has someone looking out and noticing when something doesn’t seem quite right. 

I believe we’re going to make it through these challenging years. We’re definitely going to have some battle scars. And my kids will likely inherit my incredibly warped sense of humor. But they’ll also learn that it’s okay to talk about mental health and therapy and that it’s okay to not be okay. 

I’m not sure where the therapy journey will take them but I know I’m at least planting the seeds and they all seem to be enjoying it for now – and I’ve managed to avoid a padded room in the process, so a win for everyone!

I don’t expect life to get easier. My hope is that therapy will provide a safe environment for them to learn to love themselves as they are, mental health obstacles included. I want them to learn how to succeed in spite of those challenges and how to be empathetic to those around them with similiar challenges. Or just people in general really, because not everyone talks about mental health like we do and therefore you never know what someone else is going through.

I want the girls to learn how to communicate and be resilient through their struggles but also realize that they don’t need to change who they are or how their brain works, they need to understand and learn how to work with it and manage the emotions and other complexities that may come as a result of it.

I don’t ever want them to let anyone make them feel less than because something about them is different. Different is okay and my hope is they can learn to embrace their differences (like we encourage Francesca and Amelia with their galactosemia) and use their differences to empower them in therapy and in life to become whoever they are meant to be. I want them to always be able to advocate for themselves. And I want them to know Chris and I will be there to support them every step of the way.

Will we do it perfectly? Nope. But our support will always come from a foundation of love, so I figure we can’t screw it up too terribly. But if we do, they’re already in therapy – so that feels like a good start, right?!

So, what now. Are your kids struggling? Would you even know? I’m going to be honest, if Francesca wouldn’t have told us a few years ago that she felt sad all the time – I’m not sure we would’ve known. She always seemed so happy, always laughing and smiling. It might be time for a conversation. And if they are struggling, it might be time to find them someone to talk to. If you don’t have time or resources for an after hours therapist, check with their school. They are strapped, but they have resources and its worth asking.

It can be an uncomfortable conversation to have but it might be a life-saving conversation. At the very least it might offer some much needed comfort you didn’t even know your child needed. They might just need to hear you tell them what they’re feeling is okay and that you’ll get through it together.

I know you might not believe it, but you’ll find a way.

I’ll find a way.

We always do.

And if you need someone to talk to? I’m here. Going through it too.