As you lay sleeping clinging to your last days of life I wonder.
I wonder when you’ll take your last breath and slip away into eternity.
I wonder what our last conversation will entail. A simple “I love you” or “good night.” Or a “you’re not going to believe what your granddaughter said today.”
I wonder what the days will be like after you’re gone. Calls will be made, tears will be cried, funeral arrangements will be finalized.
And then life without you will begin. A life I can’t quite imagine.
I walk over and rub your head and comment on how your hair is coming in and you give me a weak smile. Funny to think our journey together probably started this way – with you rubbing my head and patting my back as a newborn. And it is how our journey will end – only it’s me rubbing your sprouting hair, patting your leg to calm your restlessness.
I wonder about the first time I pick up my phone to call you only to remember you won’t answer.
I wonder about when I’ll think “I’m going to take this to mom,” and then remember there is no drivable route to heaven.
I wonder when I’ll say, “I can’t wait to tell my mom this story,” and then remember I can’t.
I wonder when I’ll ever understand why this was God’s plan for you. Why this is how it had to end.
But then I think of all the things I don’t need to wonder about and I’m so thankful.
I’ll never wonder if you loved me or if you knew how much I loved you.
I’ll never wonder where you’ll be spending eternity.
I’ll never wonder what a solid and faithful marriage looks like – you and dad showed us that every day. And you really were the most amazing example of “through good times and bad, through sickness and in health, until death do us part.”
My daily devotion recently focused on 2 Timothy 4: 7-8. As I read Paul’s words, I couldn’t help but think how much it applied to my mama and the life she has lived. “I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith.”
Anyone who knows my mom knows she did all three. She lived a life filled with intention, purpose and integrity. A life spent helping others.
You have fought the good fight, mom. You have finished the race. You have kept the faith.
But more than “keeping the faith,” my mom shared the faith. Through her words, thoughts and so many actions – more than any of us probably even know. Well, dad does – but we won’t force him to tell us. Mostly because I know he won’t. That’s not why they helped people.
Whether it was someone she befriended at the health department, a Wendy’s worker who walked past our house every day, so she started driving her home, someone who needed financial support to attend Valley Lutheran and so many more. She loved those who were hard to love, she forgave those who were undeserving, she continually saw the best in people and encouraged those around her to do the same. She was very much the hands and feet of Jesus. She made such a difference for so many and didn’t expect or want any recognition for it.
On the days I really struggle to understand why this was the plan for my mom, I always come back to one thing. So many people got a front row seat to her faith during every step of this journey. When she was first diagnosed, she said “I’m not afraid to die, but I’m ready to fight.” And she had a good reason for not being afraid, because she knew when her earthly life ended, her heavenly journey would begin. So, while we prayed for a miracle, for unexplained healing, for more time, we knew it was up to God. And while we may have questioned it and will never fully understand it, we know God has a plan – and timing – and it is perfect. And as a Christian, my mom knew what waited for her in heaven is so much better than what this world could ever offer. And we watched her over the last two years – with every day and every update she always included how blessed she was.
In November of 2022 my mom posted this update on Facebook:
When my journey first started I called out to my Lord and Savior. I said, Lord I have loved you with my whole heart, I have loved you all of my life, please walk this journey with me. I told him I feared not, but my heart was so sad for my family. I might have begged for a little more time with my grandchildren. You see, the Lord has blessed us with a good life, he has given us a wonderful family and I am not in a hurry to leave or say goodbye. I asked the Lord to give me a miracle. After having this talk, I felt a calmness and I knew that I would be ok whatever I received.
Today I received a miracle. All of the tumors have decreased in size and there are no new tumors! Today I had a very good cry, I praised God for his goodness and mercy! What a friend I have in Jesus! Thanks to each and everyone of you for lifting me in prayer! And please continue!
I think of all the people who saw her walk this journey with hope, faith and peace. Christians and non-Christians alike had a front seat to her faith. And on the really hard days when I want to ask “why”, I know that if one person becomes a believer or starts attending church or even opens their heart a tiny bit to Jesus, it will have all been worth it. Her pain, her suffering, her courage.
While we didn’t receive the “miracle of healing” we were all praying for, we did receive the miracle of more time, more time for us to make memories and more time for my mom to share her faith. If my mom’s faith has inspired you, please act on it. It’s not about religion, it’s about a relationship with Jesus Christ and the promise of eternal life. Walking along side my mom on this journey has been more difficult than anything I have ever experienced but if it brings one person to Jesus, because of her boldness and her faith – it will give her pain more purpose than we could have ever hoped for.
One more note from me. If we’re friends on Facebook you likely have seen a version or two of this but I feel like it’s important to say it again. Time is not a given, it’s a gift. Make the phone call, plan the trip, attend the celebration. Tomorrow is not promised. We prayed for a miracle, which in my mind was healing. It turns out our miracle was more time. Two more years of memories, holidays and trips up north. Not all of us will be lucky enough to get the miracle of more time so spend what you have with the people who matter the most. The miracle you’re looking for might simply be the memories you’re making today.
As for Jo, I think she’d want me to close with this. It was her most used and favorite phrase as we were growing up and still used with her grandkids. “Be smart with Jesus in your heart.”